A few dates later and he’s missing in action. Why do men disappear?
By Tom Blake
For women through the ages of 50 to 80, dating is difficult. To them it seems there just aren’t enough single men to go around. And then, they finally meet a guy who seems interested. They have a few dates, it’s going well, and then the guy disappears. This recently happened to Laura, 52, a divorcee of seven years.
Laura said: “I met a nice man, age 59, on ourtime.com. We met for coffee, which turned into breakfast. He asked me out again. We ended this date with a hug.”
The next date ended with a kiss on the cheek. The third date, a kiss on the lips. Laura felt the relationship was progressing nicely. A fourth date was scheduled for a Saturday festival in his city. Twice during the week he phoned her to confirm the date. But, when Saturday morning came, he hadn’t called her to finalize plans.
Laura said, “I text him and asked if we were still on. He responded hours later saying he was sorry, had the flu and didn’t feel well, but would talk to me later.”
That was their last contact. Laura verified that he was back at work so she knew he hadn’t died.
Laura added, “He pursued me, showing what I thought was genuine interest and then dumped me. I don’t get it. Thank goodness I didn’t sleep with him. I would have felt absolutely horrible instead of feeling a bit annoyed. Why do men do this?”
I mentioned Laura’s experience to 11 singles age 50 plus, and asked them, “Why do men disappear?”
India said, “Sometimes these jerks are married and testing the waters. They may get caught or just cold feet and take the easy way out.”
Ken, a Dana Point deli customer of mine, said, “I don’t like confrontation with women. I prefer to just fade away instead of arguing over why I don’t want to date her again.”
Judie shared, “The most logical reason he disappeared … He’s just not that into her.”
Lawrence, from Rancho Santa Margarita, emailed, “My guess is Laura’s man bailed because she wouldn’t sleep with him. Many people (not me) go by the ‘three-date rule.'”
Dianne added, “Men disappear when they aren’t interested, and lie when women they are trying to dump run them down and corner them. Men generally do not enjoy ‘relationship’ conversations about what isn’t working. It’s like on the East Coast where people are always saying, ‘We’ll have to get together for dinner,’ and don’t.”
Jon wrote, “People disappear for a lot of reasons, some of them hard to understand except for the one who takes off. Often it has nothing to do with the one who is left.”
Joanne said, “They haven’t matured enough to be honest and don’t know how else to exit. You are better off without them.”
Terry, of San Clemente, said, “It’s difficult to tell someone you have no interest. It hurts their feelings.”
Gloria shared, “I’ve had the same experience so many times I could write a book on it. There are a lot of excuses from men. Don’t spend your days wondering why a man disappeared.”
Chris, from Dana Point, said, “This guy was looking for a quick score and when he realized it was going to take longer than he was willing to wait, he bailed. These jerks are looking for notches in their belt, nothing more. She was smart to hold off. She would have just become another notch.”
Mindy summarized the discussion, “They disappear because they aren’t interested. Why? A thousand reasons and none matter. Move on.”
The next singles age 50 plus Meet and Greet is scheduled for Thursday, October 24, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, from 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. For questions or to comment, email Tom at email@example.com or 949.248.9008.
Tom Blake is a Dana Point business owner and San Clemente resident who has authored books on middle-aged dating. See his website at www.findingloveafter50.com.
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