When Dana Point resident Kelsey Kappauf‘s father was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, her family desperately wanted to fight to keep him alive.
“So, the path that we were on was sort of fighting death at all costs and we were deeply afraid of death,” Kappauf said.
The lung cancer had spread to his brain. As the weeks unfolded, Kappauf’s family realized they were “helpless to death’s presence.”
“The cancer was progressing and in the midst of all of our efforts to try to get him to eat a certain way or to exercise or to get on any sort of specific regimens, anything that could try to save him, all of our prayers, everything, death was coming,”
It was in realizing and coming to terms with the fact that death was inevitable that her family experienced a shift in perspective.
“Instead of trying to fight off death, we started to embrace it,” Kappauf said. “The minute we started to do that is when we were really able to be present with my dad because our focus went from preventing death to just being with him in the process.”
“Out of that came these really beautiful moments for our family where we just were able to really swim in the beauty of love for one another,” Kappauf continued. “We were able to share things with one another that were really only possible in the face of death.”
Kappauf’s family came to the realization that “none of us have tomorrow promised,” she said.
This realization helped her to live more presently and shifted her mindset on death.
“I’ve always been interested in spirituality, the meaning of life, philosophy, all of that sort of stuff,” Kappauf said. “But when my dad died and I saw how death had transformed my life, I enrolled in a school called The Conscious Dying Institute.”
At the Conscious Dying Institute, Kappauf looked to “welcome death into our own lives and start to process our own death instead of waiting until the end of life,” she said.
“The question for the school was kind of like, what if death has something to offer to us right here, right now,” Kappauf said.
From there, Kappauf became a Death Doula. As a Death Doula, Kappauf works to support both her client and the client’s loved ones.
“When we’re given a terminal diagnosis, it’s like, all hell breaks loose. We’re in so much pain and we’re grieving yet there’s so much to do. Like there’s so much physically to do,” Kappauf said, adding, “there’s paperwork, there’s appointments and so I think we’re desperate at that time.”
She finds many of her clients come to her in desperation, looking for someone to step in and hug them, offering a support system and helping them breathe through the process.
“So, supporting the person who is dying by being a loving and caring presence for them and helping them welcome the process, meeting them where they are at, inviting them to think about dying in a sort of new light,” Kappauf said.
“And then a big part of my role is just to support the family by educating them on all the different options that they have for their loved ones, supporting them emotionally, mentally and spiritually depending on what their beliefs are,” Kappauf continued. “Really just being a loving presence there for them in this really painful time.”
For one of her clients, she’s worked with a grandmother to write letters to her family members “for her to share her heart with them,” Kappauf said.
“One of the biggest parts of my job is creating spaces for people to enter into death with intent,” Kappauf continued. “So, allowing, reminding them that they can say the things that they want to say, that are hard to say. I’m creating spaces for families to share their gratitude with one another.”
With this client, the family recorded the grandmother’s voice to be put in a Build-A-Bear for her grandson, so the child will still have her voice, Kappauf said.
“That’s a big part of my work, too, is inviting kids into the process,” Kappauf said. “We’ve been taught for so much of our life to shelter kids from death, and that’s part of why we’re such a death-avoidant society because we’re told from a young age that we should be afraid of it.”
America generally has a death-avoidant culture, Kappauf said.
“We want to live forever and we want to prevent aging. We do everything we can to keep turning our eyes away from death,” Kappauf said, adding, “But when we can invite kids into these spaces in really tender ways, we can help them have a more healthy relationship with death.”
Having someone there to care for the client’s and family members’ emotional and spiritual health is a valuable tool in aiding the grieving process, according to Kappauf.
“In the face of death, we’re so focused on the client’s needs that the families who are grieving and in so much pain, their needs sort of get pushed to the side,” Kappauf said. “So, I think having somebody who specifically cares for the families as well is huge.”
Kappauf also coaches people who are not in the end stages of life, encouraging her clients to discuss their relationship with death and to realize that every day is not promised.
“If I wake up every morning and I can remember that I don’t have any day promised, then it will help me to live a more vibrant and awake life,” Kappauf said. “So, it’s that idea of, instead of pushing away death, if I learn to welcome it, then I actually can shift the way that I live and I can live with more love or kindness or generosity.”
In addition to working with individual clients and their families, Kappauf also offers workshops for health care facilities, places of worship and businesses.
The workshop for health care workers is meant to remind attendees of why they entered into “this helping field in the first place.” For businesses, it’s meant to help attendees live more presently and examine if they’re working in the field they’re supposed to.
“These workshops revolve around examining death, help us to maybe change our decisions,” Kappauf said, adding, “Every client I’ve had is looking for something different. Some clients that have an end-of-life diagnosis really need some education on their options. Other clients just really want a caring and supportive presence.”
“Other clients are really looking for something to help them live a more awake life,” Kappauf continued. “Something that can shake up their life a bit. Some clients have a deep fear of death so they’re looking to examine it and try to figure out where it came from.”
Kappauf hopes her clients take away exactly what they need and seek from working with her.
“The hope is that they would be met with tenderness and love and that they find what they’re uniquely looking for.”
Discussion about this post